Days 1-4 Scribbled With My Favorite Pens

words scribbled but not recorded for days 1-4

Day 1-
Called Yours by the Lord
YOU are calling me by name and it is the name YOURS. Disconcerting and comforting all at once, I try and wrap my head around this idea. I have been called by many names and called myself out by names…lazy, exhausted, sad, angry, frustrated, full, empty, energetic, kind, organized, mean, wife, daughter, mother, sister, friend, broken, better, hopeless.
YOU, You, Lord….call me Yours. Because You call me yours, I can be ‘in it’. I can be present with each place that I land, in each place that I land. I can be in it all, with it all, not anxiously awaiting for things to come, go, or stay, for names and ‘known by’ to be heard or silenced, but to be present in You called Yours. I can be present because of what you call me….’Yours’

Day 2-The day that will remain silent

Day 3-
I have been captured by my own anxiety around all feelings including anxiety. Irony-yes, but by sitting still and being present in the very places of -pain-hope-joy-fear-anger-grief-sadness, they can no longer capture me for taking captive. I have been gripped by the idea that if I lean into the waves of overcoming-swallowing up-rushing ever present grief and conflict, both inside and outside of me, they lose the power to drown me. I am resting, present in the enveloping of the very place, stuff, and feelings that are actively pushing and pulling. I take long deep breaths to find that as I gain footing I am at shore with new deep beauty surrounding me on every side, the beauty of not having just survived the wave, but having become, of becoming, and being a woman of greater depth after leaning into the wave of the place and time that captured me. Healing and living has become possible in presence.

Day 4-
Embracing joy and grief and not finding them exclusive of one another is my challenge. Simply grasping that they are not the difference between life and death is a challenge. They are weaving in and out while honoring all of the life and all of the death in each moment. I find that  embracing the difficult can bring residing joy through it all even the pain. Grappling with the big stuff in the small space, the moments of truth all caught up in the living while trying to stay alive.