Beauty amongst the ashes

Yesterday was hard. I cried…again.

I left some things in that house as I stood for a moment grasping the roaring fire, seen and unseen, above my head and in the walls. I made choices alone in the broad daylight and the darkest minutes as I realized I couldn’t see my ceilings and that smoke was swimming oddly enough like a thin layer of water skimming the surface of my wall.

I could feel the heat above me and beside me and in front of me and yet I questioned the reality of my tangible feelings. That is not new.

That day I cried out “fire” and thought I had made no sound and no one could hear because it was for myself more than anyone else. Someone heard and helped. I heard the truth inside of me. I believed what I was feeling and seeing and hearing and saying.

“trust yourself Suzanne. you feel the heat. it is a fire. you have choices you are not trapped, yet…. ”

I left some things I can not name just yet in there that day. I faced some things and I stood staring at the flame that roared suddenly in front of me. Facing a fire is figurative for most but that day I faced fire in all the ways.

Something in me has changed and come and gone and grasped and let go and faced and run from the sum of it all seen and unseen. This just is. It is neither awful or amazing. It is painful but peaceful. I did some giving up in those minutes as I felt the heat and stood with the fire. The whats and hows of that giving up is being untangled inside me because I’m mostly sure I can’t go back for what I left that day. Today I will be still and know that He knows and sees what I can’t see through the swimming smoke.

Once upon a time, there were these mommas spread out from sea to sea and they knew my heart about cozy blankets and pillows and non-rental colanders and even off spray and citronella for a Friday night southern wedding and then it was on my doorstep with salty tears and things crossed off my list….

Measuring cups that are colorful and a mixer that is special because they know me and see me and I can take these with me since they know everything was left behind…

Friends that wait patiently for me to call back about makeup and others that remember I’ll need those table cloths for the wedding remind me that God doesn’t forget my details and His burden is light…..

Sisters who take an extra 14 year old camping and brothers who stop and pray and hear tears and see the unsaid fears and worries and unknowns and remind us that we don’t have to know what we need that we will continue to walked with and carried….

Cousins that call and say I don’t have to say what is hurting or disappointed or grieved but listen as laughter and tears mingle uninterrupted…

Neighbors that wait to deliver a meal or have a return call and I understand when I admit it’s all just too much to continue with for the day or for the tomorrow and so they pray….

Homemade coconut scrub and a dog collar and bbq and cookies and popcorn because the ones who “hear” me everyday remembered and did the thing where the needs that seem like no big thing have kept the breath

Once upon a time there was this loss and grief and fear and it is being met with learning how to say,”yes, thank you….I do need you near.”