Author: Suzanne In Plain Sight

>The Family ‘It", Getting ‘it’ and Having Just Enough Everyday of "IT"

>Women…
I have 8 aunts, 4 Holton family and 4 Walker family, my father and my mother. They are different. I fit with some….
Yesterday, I sat behind four of my aunts at a funeral, 4 women, the last living siblings in this family, both of the sons have died.
I have 4 daughters and two sons, interesting how my life as been similar….in that.
I had so many rushing thoughts as I sat behind them. I don’t have siblings that I really know and none that I grew up with or around. I don’t know what it would be like to loose a brother or a sister in this context. As I sat there it was a rush of emotion, a rush that I wish somehow I fit, I fit comfortably with this family, they are nice enough and I have cousins that seem to fit quite comfortably. This is after all the family that I was raised around for the majority of my life ( I only spent summer with the other side of my family). For many years my aunts (and now deceased grandmother walker) treated me like a princess, we talked of the times where I was dressed up and trotted around the Goldsmiths store, I remember special times. I have memories with my cousins, but as adults, well I fell from grace. There are lots of reasons…
I am sure they have forgotten, but I realized yesterday as I was there laughing with my head thrown back and my high heels then kicked off, all of our young children circling around us, I long to fit, but I don’t know if I ever will again. I have forgiven for some recent pains and hurts, forgiveness for things that were never admitted, but only talked “about”, but the wounds are there and I am sad that like my children I can’t just hop back on the bicycle or slide back in roller blades or climb a tree, even with a fresh scab and keep playing nice. I am playing nice and I do love them, but the pain was deep and hard. I wanted to tell them, I wanted to shout it to them (not at them), but now at nearly 4o I realize, they would not hear, or understand….they only saw from behind their on personal, perceived correct points of view how things happened how I fell from grace and then maybe some even took credit (rather than giving it fully to the Lord), when my sweet life turned around. There is certainly something difficult about wanting to both fit and turn away and never look back at the same time. The lump in my throat even this morning is a reminder that needing family that just can’t understand is probably one of the hardest hurdles of my short life. I want ‘it’….I will explore what that is later, but I do I am guessing they do love me, but maybe just don’t understand why I can’t see how right they are, about the things they did. It cost me, I have counted the cost and they were high on every front from the check book to the heart.

I don’t know.

I hate that, but I don’t know, how to work through this pain, so instead, I will home educate, fix lunch, smile for my kiddos and rest in the fact that there are those that get me….and that will be enough today. Always, just enough, but sometimes I want more, just the way I want it, when I want it.
I want those who get it, who give me ‘it’ close, I need them close.
Lord draw near to me.

>Singing the Blues and Having a Ball In Memphis at Our Home

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Washing dishes, wiping faces, shaking sand out of a four year old, writing reports….last night I dropped off my oldest at Choir, worked out for 30 minutes then came home and fried up some potatoes for my momma and husband. These are the days of my life. If I am out past midnight I am afraid to loose my glass slipper and have my coach turn into a pumpkin. I experienced just that last Saturday night.
I had the chance of the season here in Memphis…I went to the Memphis Blues Ball. My very dear friend Laura had the opportunity to do a cake for Jerry Lee Lewis that evening and with it came to tickets to the ball. So I donned myself in a borrowed gown, borrowed shoes, borrowed jewelery and a fresh pair of shaved legs, finished serving beans and rice to the kids and off we went to the ball. I sat within arms length of Lisa Marie, saw our mayors, and watched people work to impress. I spend most of my days keeping little people and teenagers happy (which is a pretty tough crowd), however I must say on this night, I showed up and had a blast and left knowing I had the right calling, just a mom and wife.
I have to admit to occasionally perusing the pages of our local RSVP magazine looking at all the pretty faces and thinking about the glamorous life these folks must have, all the fun of knowing the who’s who of Memphis, and yes of having MONEY. Friends, it was fun, but my goodness, it looked down right painful for some of these citizens. The last thing I thought about during the evening was how that is not Memphis (even though that is what the folks all there said it was). I was speaking to a young lady who was from Atlanta (raised by her nanny she said), currently living in NYC and how she really found her roots there that night. Honey those aren’t your roots that is playing pretend. The roots of Memphis are found a few blocks and miles away in homes just like mine. In homes like mine from Frayser to Orange Mound and Tipton County-McNairy County we are the roots of the south, cooking dinner (yes blackeyed peas and cornbread, turnip greens with bacon and pepper sauce, fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy), with our children under us or running around the street with other kids. In our house you would be hearing KIX 106 or the new KIM FM with a twist of Veggie Tales tunes. In the real south here in our home you will still find Sweet Tea and Budweiser, struggling to make ends meet and grateful to go to bed every night with my husband who is working 17 hour days to make end meets. In the real Memphis there are very few black tie events if any, but instead sweat pants events with the kids in the front yard with our neighbors just breathing a sigh of relief to get through another Friday.
Think about what your hometown really is…..after it steps out of the pages of some magazine and be grateful for THAT town.