I accidentally grabbed a calendar instead of a journal.

Today, I am taking a life saving drug for suicidality and suicidal ideation. I started the medication during my residential trauma treatment.

I fought to get better.
Even clawing at insurance’s door while I was in residential.

Today I still receive the actual life saving medicine.

Because I fought.

I remember that day when I wondered,”do we get anything without fight while healing from trauma.”

The answer is no.
We fight.
We are fighters.

Healing from trauma comes with a lot of “no” and “that’s going to take a while.”

We fight insurance and memories.
While we hold close hope and healing.

Be gentle with those around you.
We never know what somebody is fighting for.
Love your people, people.

Finding out that someone you shared the first 25 years of your life with them in it, someone who was strangely safe in rooms full of evil has passed is hard.

I can’t go to the memorial. I’d not be welcome. I broke the rules. I stopped cycles. I left the framework of untruths and blind eyes.

The truth is he turned a blind eye. I guess safe is relative. I grieve none the less.

I wish I understood more about why with even blind eyes and untruths I grieve.

Stories are sad like this sometimes. I guess that has to be ok for today.