Some things were left here during the fire that I can’t pick back up because ashes are like that. They are hard to pick up. There are silver linings and sharp edges. Tearing down walls inadvertently left me raw and exhausted and hopeful and terrified. I didn’t mean to face the places that I’d tucked away, but sometimes staying alive does that. It’s true. All we have is new and shiny. Also true, is we’ve had two middle of the night leaks, contractors still here weekly, and a yard full of trees but not hauled off. Life is new and also unsteady. Living is like that. I must be really living.
We are both:and. I did not stay in that fire. We have rebuilt. I left pieces of me in the ashes and what was buried beneath those pieces have shaken me. I don’t know exactly who I am underneath the layers of life, but I know somehow life chose me and I’m left wondering is it possible God would use the hot embers of an all consuming fire to save my life while it was taking so much of it away?
Shuffling in my house-shoes I laugh when I think my thoughts, because making my life a tiny bit hilarious makes more sense than all other options sometimes.
Thoughts about Christmas this year in my life, in no particular order: I will make a mob voice impersonation to get raisenets from my adult daughter
My husband will buy a box of junior mints in hopes of keeping me quiet at a beautiful concert before it starts. Surprise, it didn’t work.
I will snap a little if someone thinks they are going to passive aggressively reprimand me for standing on a chair next to one that says sold so I can see a rug I have to have. I will leave with rug….and more chocolate because you never know. Might make me quiet someday.
Home rebuild, moving, Christmas time, and serious trauma work should not all be attempted In one week.
I do actually have a threshold for the same person being rude again and again and again. And I will cry, scream, fuss, cuss, cry more, and do all those things while simultaneously apologizing and telling that person to leave and never come back and have my daughter tell him never come back and your borrowed brother to tell him to never come back.
If you’re wondering, my threshold was his mumbling terrible words and tracking in mud while complaining. He wouldn’t stop, so showed him how a temper tantrum is properly had.
A day after Christmas can be finished with an unknown leak and you sleep knowing it’s not a fire.
All of this and it is still Christmas break, which means I have margin room for a nervous breakdown.
Don’t forget you can stay home to lose your mind per a really great friend.
Lastly, if you have a contractor that keeps smiling as they walk through their own hell and keeps on encouraging you and who also is happy with the Chia Pet you give him, then you should not only pray for him, you should recommend him to all of your friends.
Some things were left here during the fire that I can’t pick back up because ashes are like that. They are hard to pick up. There are silver linings and sharp edges. Tearing down walls inadvertently left me raw and exhausted and hopeful and terrified. I didn’t mean to face the places that I’d tucked away, but sometimes staying alive does that. It’s true. All we have is new and shiny. Also true, is we’ve had two middle of the night leaks, contractors still here weekly, and a yard full of trees but not hauled off. Life is new and also unsteady. Living is like that. I must be really living.
Next Best Thing Next 