>Biology, Medieval History, American History, Algebra 2, Pre-Algebra, Physical Science, Long Division, Hooked on Phonics….Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my, Tuesdays and Thursdays, Mondays if you please, Classical Ballet and off to HiS Choir to sing…. these are things I am doing this week and preparing for…for NEXT year. Overwhelmed? Yes.

I simply never imagined my life like this, I didn’t dare to imagine life very much before the kids and for the first 7 years of parenting I imagined sleep. I am my mother’s only child, and I wasn’t that interested anything growing up. I have 6 children who long to learn and be, actively be. Sometimes, I let my mind wander to a place where I can be somebody different, doing things that others see and say thanks and good job for what I have done, where someone reads inspirational things I have written or a short story I have stashed away. I imagine writing about my experiences in a way that will make a difference then I realize…..my experiences are making a difference. I try to remind myself (before yelling about the stinky van or the messy house or the cramps that I am having, yes I am human)the children and who they become will have been my greatest most valuable contribution to change in this world. If I pour myself into children and encourage them to be peaceful, hopeful, humans, it will not matter if I accomplish anything else. I will of course accomplish other things, but this will matter most for this season, that was my choice, is my choice, when I conceived them and every day there after, now that is radical pro-living, I don’t imagine doctors, lawyers and such (though I wouldn’t object), I imagine mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, adults who love their community actively, who know it is important to vote (even in the rain). I hope for children who will love what they do, no matter what it is, who will want to come home and eat meals together, who will have children that have hope. So, all the things I am doing, will not make or break us, really I just need to be aware, aware of their spirit, to encourage them to know all they do is important, even when it is wrong, every action makes a difference, it causes a ripple in the space they fill that will move the people around them in one way or another.

I am not prone to sending out peace, not without actively reminding myself, I am practiced at being a over-demanding, often cranky, loud momma.

Today(or in the morning since it is bedtime) I will be peaceful on purpose. Here’s a thought, peaceful bedtime, may mean peaceful sleep, which in turn could lend itself to a peaceful day. I will let you know how it turns out.

These are my thoughts today.

What are yours?

Go share them with someone you love.

>Hug them, hug them hard, hug them again. This week Zachary and I attended the funeral of a 33 yr old momma who Zachary received a ride from 4 out of 5 days a week in 7th grade and we are processing the idea that a small child we have prayed for over year went home to Jesus after a valiant battle against Leukemia, my children and children around the world prayed for this baby every day. I don’t doubt God, I don’t question Him anymore, I know that through our on experiences that the answers sometimes don’t show themselves for years, decades, and some not at all until heaven, even when they come I usually don’t understand them. I am however sad, and my body feels heavy. I am speaking in multiple forms of first person,but loss stinks for all. I have had to see too many little people, young children, babies, buried, it never gets easier. I find myself unable to absorb it, I hope I never can absorb it fully, that would leave my spirit dulled. Being close to death stinks there is no way to say it nicer. I am sick of it, we weren’t made to die and so it hurts.
We have buried babies, mothers, fathers, friends, a papaw, a granny, miscarried children and ultimately history in the past 7 years. The pain is great, the mourning is often physically painful, I feel it hurt to my bones, in my bones, through my body. The Word say there may be sorrow in the night, but dancing in the morning.
COME MORNING COME….
I will write more later….I will try to put into words how I, my family, my children, my sweet husband have found peace in the midst of many storms, many losses, there is hope and peace. I feel this hope and peace even in present pain, my story, my spirit is like that, often mingled with so many polar opposite moments in the same breath.
Utter grief, new pain……Hope and Peace, gratitude even
I find myself grieving all over again with the ideas of you each today….grief is a process, ugh.
I miss you, each of you, who are not mentioned often enough in my words but more than anyone will know your names and memories are spoken in my spirit, in the deepest parts of me, that is where I hold you.
I don’t want to forget your face and I worry that it has been so long since I heard your voice or that it will seem like you weren’t important because I never heard you cry or laugh…..but I have to believe that these are unfounded fears, as I recall you, each of you this moment. Sometimes I believe that grief is the worst pain.
This is where I am today.
Share with someone where you are.