Look I know how this looks what with the tums and Taco Bell and sweet tea and the ice cream. It’s not what you think….wait what do you think? Let me tell you what it is. It’s a smallish case of depression and anxiety following one actual hell of a year…ok 3 years. The good, the great, the weddings and graduations, the sick kids and the healthy ones. It’s all that and it’s life and then life gives you a fire that didn’t look that bad from the outside but on the inside it was terrifying and big and it took mostly everything and then the water and smoke left me with all things I couldn’t leave behind. You know how I deal with things when people say it wasn’t that that bad? Used to I said you’re right (surely they’re right,right?) But not today. Today I say it really was that bad. It still is right now. And bring me the Taco Bell with a side of anxiety and depression and a few eye procedures and #teammom. Then, I call a good therapist and admit I’m not leaving my room much and then I text my friends and admit I need them near and to know it was worse than everybody thinks. Be gentle with each-other and if you are just “that sad” call a friend or 4 and a therapist and order Taco Bell….and ice cream. Just make a call. Nights and mornings are hard. People, love your people. #liveabetterstory

Beauty amongst the ashes

Yesterday was hard. I cried…again.

I left some things in that house as I stood for a moment grasping the roaring fire, seen and unseen, above my head and in the walls. I made choices alone in the broad daylight and the darkest minutes as I realized I couldn’t see my ceilings and that smoke was swimming oddly enough like a thin layer of water skimming the surface of my wall.

I could feel the heat above me and beside me and in front of me and yet I questioned the reality of my tangible feelings. That is not new.

That day I cried out “fire” and thought I had made no sound and no one could hear because it was for myself more than anyone else. Someone heard and helped. I heard the truth inside of me. I believed what I was feeling and seeing and hearing and saying.

“trust yourself Suzanne. you feel the heat. it is a fire. you have choices you are not trapped, yet…. ”

I left some things I can not name just yet in there that day. I faced some things and I stood staring at the flame that roared suddenly in front of me. Facing a fire is figurative for most but that day I faced fire in all the ways.

Something in me has changed and come and gone and grasped and let go and faced and run from the sum of it all seen and unseen. This just is. It is neither awful or amazing. It is painful but peaceful. I did some giving up in those minutes as I felt the heat and stood with the fire. The whats and hows of that giving up is being untangled inside me because I’m mostly sure I can’t go back for what I left that day. Today I will be still and know that He knows and sees what I can’t see through the swimming smoke.