Tales of the Bedside Table is brought to you by real life at the Weaver family home. I gave many years of fall aparts to others in our home, but I was strong at any cost outside my doors. I imagined shattering one day and my pain flowing out in waves and drowning those in relationships with me. I had no idea that living a life shattered could put me back together and the relationships that drowned would give way for peace to breath in really living unafraid.
Since meeting the Weaver’s via text, we have had 2 graduations, a fire, a wedding, a freshman college drop off, a break up, a new love, town house flooding, and most recently a car breaking down. Keeping up the appearance of “ok” has been stripped from me and my “ok” is ruffled and rattling and raising the white flag. Yet, God went before and created the sweetest new space for our family in the most unexpected way. God sees. God knows.
All of my adult life, I did more than keep up appearances. I fought with all of my strength to exceed the “right way” because the fear of messing up and losing it all or having someone take my life’s hope and family was a very present and a very real threat. Attention at all cost to all the details was my family’s safety from the “what if’s” that continually became our “now what’s.” I let go of my “only if I…” family and gained peace for our safety. Turns out they could try and take my people and tell me my hope was false and not get either. I let go. It was hard, gut wrenching hard. They did not get our children or their hope . I buried my personal hope.
God sees. God knows.
God gives and renews and builds where once there was nothing. Firm foundations and quick sand alike can be swept away and God. Is. Still there. We’ve lost so much and gained a crazy peace. We grieve and rejoice. Today, the Weavers got the all undone as He creates all new. Today, God gives me the gift of shattered super glue living and grief unfathomable and peace not understood and strength in despairing weakness and people unexpected from my yesterday’s and could never have imagined brand new today’s. Today, I see glimpses of personal hope with my breathing in and out.
Brand new moments shared with eternity familiarity is family. Right now, the undone, vulnerable, honest at all cost about the pain and joys are who I am with my children, my husband, my friends, and myself. Realizing these truths at the Bedside Table has been my mustard seed and proof positive of His value of me and the strength He has uncovered in upending the letting go of a lifetime. God sees and knows.
I KNOW the plans for our burned out Summerfield home. I see the workers. I count the weeks and minutes. Currently, I have no proof of what will be realized in those plans or the timing, but I trust the plan makers even though I’m not sure what the timing or tangible outcome of their plans for my future will be. I often wonder if I should take deep breaths around surviving this house fire thus far or based on the foundation of construction that had been set. Eerily, this experience with the house fire runs parallel to the hard work of my marriage, the processing and living through the recovery of childhood trauma, and the tricky navigation of parenting through my story.
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