Maybe Once A Year Will Do?

Will once a year do?

Today grief is tricky? My mother’s best friend from my childhood died. It wasn’t really unexpected. But grief is tricky.

Today I miss my mom who is all the way alive. I secretly hope her friend I contacted tells her I still love her. No mother should live thinking their only daughter doesn’t love them. I forgive her too.

I love her but I love staying alive more. Just because it’s complicated and I’m the villain in so many’s stories doesn’t make any part of my sacred life less true.

Grief is complicated.

4 years and a lifetime ago

Thoughts from nearly 4 years ago as this momma was smack dab in the middle of healing from a devastating house fire that hurled me into healing from childhood….life is funny like that.

Dishes weren’t finished until after 10:30, I still have a 14 year old on screens and Love on the Table is egg bake, sliced tomatoes, slathered in mayo all generously sprinkled with salt and pepper. My interpersonal skills are lacking with my dripping sarcasm or complete disconnection, but my mom skills are on point. These kids all ate something tonight. I could almost certainly prove it , if only I could find their tiny brilliant selves. Having 3 mostly independent kids living at home gives quite the illusion that maybe I haven’t messed them up with all my too muchness or not enougness. Turns out they are turning out just as amazing as I could have imagined. We don’t do it proper and suck at keeping up appearances, but we land on our dancing feet whether it is a dirge of despaired days or jumping for joy we all dance together until we can stand alone in our crazy. Thank you family for never leaving me alone and knowing all the words to all the pains that are all bigger than our dog gone supper time can hold and you love me still and say it makes you better not worse and then i love you all over again. It is big enough to hold the pains and stories, mine and yours. Eternally grateful you are mine.

Thoughts: I fell on my face literally for hours Tuesday and Wednesday. Decided at 6 pm yesterday that I would claim rebuilding as a gift, literally and spiritually, yesterday. Realizing that the Lord began a good work 45 years ago and I’m his and anything he allows to be taken he will restore and any good gift I never had because of all my abuse and fire and life he would show it to me but that all the walls must come down to the studs to see new life and to see the framework he has in me that has always been there. I am grateful for you.

I am still healing and you are still welcome along for the ride.  Things are all together different and strangely the same.