>I am the only one that does this….my kids have it really bad. Those are the words we say to ourselves so often. I sat with a group of women I love and have come to call family the last two years, moms, like me of big families. One private school family of high income, one homeschool family of average income, one family with most of their children out of or on their way away from home and college, and me, the one who never fits in a box. These ladies and I were all lamenting about running out of nice, yelling at the kids when a dessert falls apart on the way out the door, why are the shoes in the floor and am I the only one who raises my voice (as my 4 year old just spilled my coffee and I yelled at the girls that they aren’t moving fast enough as I bellow “tooooweeellllllll“), puts their children down in a huff for bed or lays awake thinking there must be a better way. I know that sometimes I believe my children will feel or be something, because I did, but we DO NOT have the same story, so they do not filter these experiences the same way. I don’t think I am the only one and I want to say that I know we (the moms) are not right, or fair, we don’t have good reasons, but we aren’t alone and our kids aren’t going to be marred forever. Last night as I asked my kids to recall some things about what I thought was the worst time of our lives, they only vaguely remembered sketchy details. Wow, I didn’t leave them undone for life. They do remember clearly the pain of loosing their grandparents and the grief during those times, but not the things I blamed on myself. My children instead recall me hugging on them through the long season of momma sleeping too much. My children remember me doing spelling practice during the few weeks they were in a neighborhood school that broke my heart. My children remember that things ‘seemed sad’, but that it all worked out and we are good today, so it must not have been so bad.
Today, I am grateful that Joel 2:25 says ” I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten, the great locusts, and the young locusts, and the other locusts and the locust that swarm.” then He says I will repay for years the locust have eaten. ” Praise be to God. This is happening in our life and I want to honor it, acknowledge it. The enemy has stolen so much from me, from conception all most, I came into this game with a loss, but God is gracious and prayer has prevailed and I can’t even list all the ways He has kept his promises that I found during the long nights of mourning and pain of loss untold and unexplainable, but today there is years being repaid. My mother and I have been traveling a road of reconciliation, my husband and are happy, happy, joyful, at peace, my pain and hurt are honored but not controlling in my life and my children will be just fine. Thank you Lord.
This is where I am today, it could change, but my hope will be renewed again and again.
Go thank God for where you are today, no matter where that place is, even if it is the pits.

>That is the official thought about me and the changes and reactions that I am having to life, I am going sane. I am learning to live in calm, or relative calm, but I am not creating or seeking unhealthy chaos and I am now duly alarmed when it comes my way. I recognize unhealthy things for what they are, I actually smell the smoke before there is a blow up, because it isn’t all normal to be nuts in my life anymore. I LOVE THIS.
My mom and I survived trauma in our home we lived together but were for all purposes surviving in the enemy camp for many years. I didn’t recognize what most people consider alarming for years, because normal alarming was normal for me, it took reallllyy news making crazy for me to understand that we had stepped into nuts, and even then, I might have thought others lived the same way. I can’t speak for my mom, but I am sure she used and equal amount of energy surviving and we didn’t realize until it wasn’t required anymore and then and only then did we go “wow, that was crazy” but for me it has taken almost 20 years on the other side to do that. I am going sane.
Maybe if you think you are going crazy, you will be able to realize that it is really life, cleverly disguised as HEALTHY.
Today I am grateful for
Planning a trip for fun with my family, my entire family including my momma to Florida next week…there is hope and healing
I am grateful for the ability to write and have someone, anyone listen, thanks
I am grateful for the trauma, today, maybe not tommorrow, but today, because I breathe deeper and laugh harder, and cry louder, it is nice
I am grateful for the inability to forgive on my on, it keeps me dependent on a God who can help me
I am grateful for normal crazy like school schedules, lunch dates, and rental car value saving plans, it is safe and I am happy
I am grateful my mom is safe and finding peace with her place in the family we have made for ourselves
I am grateful for a husband who comes home
I am grateful that my children are safe at night
I am grateful to be a two parent, one income, family
I am grateful for Highland Street Church of Christ and the open family I have there
I am grateful that I can feel however I want even angry or afraid or sad and I will be safe in the arms of my sweet Donnie.
This is what I am grateful for today.
What are you grateful for?
Write it down and share with someone.