Tag: #liveabetterstory

Wonder What The News Was

From the I Phone Notes again. This time there must of been something in the news but as I read it I realized it’s still true today and I’m still full of wonders about my life and the bits and pieces I’ve noted over the years with no rhyme or reason, only passion and hidden truths.

The trouble with the news these days is I keep seeing myself in the invisible background.

The children in the background are always there.

They will be adults in pain hurting and afraid but often they are the invisible underlying stories and today don’t even know there are dozens of women in Memphis overwhelmed by what’s happening in the news,lamenting.

They just know the only life they had or have.

That was me.

I wonder who was praying for a nameless child in 1979 or in 1989, a decade later when I was still that little girl in the back ground of end time signs, but for me it was just the next move and “new to me” Memphis neighborhood.

My family hopped around and in new neighborhood schools is where my abuse was happening in plain sight, between after school and before breakfast, but no one could see me.

I was easy to look away from after even after the neighborhood church bus drove away every Sunday at drop off.

When Days Aren’t Ordered

This year I didn’t order my days according to the November calendar. It didn’t occur to me. Gratitude has not disappeared, but the ordered days of knowing my next thing next rare.

Bittersweet

Ordering my days was my specialty. Accounting for the details and anticipating how I would need to anticipate a plan for every contingent outcome of living, good or bad, helped with an unsteady sense of safety and multiplied my anxiety.

Incongruent

I have found less anxiety walking with less assurance of safety. This was not a twist I was expecting.

Facing fires and bad guys and grief in the same breaths of stillness and innocence and life didn’t kill me even as had my built in safety shift and change and sometimes disappear all together. Life is harder and more connected and worth it today.

This was just last year when I was ordering my days; it was a hard day. I remember it distinctly. I had been hurt and I hardened my outside for this season I’m still muddling through while tentatively trying to keep my heart soft. God is good to protect and shield the fragility of our hearts. I remember feeling a tangible physical shift as I exhaled just after taking this picture. I couldn’t have imagined my life today. I wish in some ways I had known more about the coming months, not to change the living of these 365 days , but to absorb more of what would change or go away. I wish I understood that there would be other things I could never unknow and appreciate the ignorance.

Today, This Moment, I do not wish none of it had ever happened.

I am not grateful for it all today. No. However, I do not want to run from it all. Come to find out, the very safety I was running for is closer than I thought.