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I remember pain tonight. I have been reminded. Pain of loss and question when all that you think is one thing becomes quite another. Pain of realizing you have allowed your self to believe a lie about your life, the ones you have hurt or been hurt by and it all comes crumbling, crashing like waves one after the other into you so that it is easy to forget that the depth is only to your knees, as the pain is sucked in like salty sea water. Grasping for ways to end the pain, quickly, with harsh tones, hushed silent treatments, desperate prayers while it gurgles in your throat the pain. Calm. Calm is what has come after torrents of pain in my life. That weird calm that tells me,”just do the next thing next, Suzanne, breathe.”
Lighting candles and sending up prayers, washing the dishes and putting kids to nap, going to church and crying during lunch, making to many phone call and turning the phone off…..pain has driven me to do insane things that didn’t make any since then or now, then I would breath.
My life is different now, not as much pain, I am not having new pain come at me constantly….anymore. I am reminded of the causes of past pain often. I have given up on being rid of the residual pain it is much like the joint pain in my knees and hands, I breathe and find ways around it, different things work at different times.
I must remind myself often that the pain I feel, the lump in my throat, the urgency to fix….it is not about now, but more about then and more….way back then or is it way back when?
There is nothing I can fix about the pain or the lump in my throat (does that ever go away?). I must just realize that I am only in knee deep water and that the waves aren’t so high I am not able to wade in the water and continue to enjoy the sites and sounds of the ocean…..life.
Now, I know warning signs of choppy water, unsafe seas, I see the red and yellow flags go up and I get out of the water. The storms still come, I am still often tossed and I still get choked up a bit. I am not afraid of drowning.
Not today, I will never say never, I have faced too many unexpected, uncontrollable storms, to say never.
Today I am okay the pain is okay, I will feel it, I will remember it, I will grieve it, I will NOT drown in it.
Lighting candles and sending up prayers, washing the dishes and putting kids to nap, going to church and crying during lunch, making to many phone call and turning the phone off…..pain has driven me to do insane things that didn’t make any since then or now, then I would breath.
My life is different now, not as much pain, I am not having new pain come at me constantly….anymore. I am reminded of the causes of past pain often. I have given up on being rid of the residual pain it is much like the joint pain in my knees and hands, I breathe and find ways around it, different things work at different times.
I must remind myself often that the pain I feel, the lump in my throat, the urgency to fix….it is not about now, but more about then and more….way back then or is it way back when?
There is nothing I can fix about the pain or the lump in my throat (does that ever go away?). I must just realize that I am only in knee deep water and that the waves aren’t so high I am not able to wade in the water and continue to enjoy the sites and sounds of the ocean…..life.
Now, I know warning signs of choppy water, unsafe seas, I see the red and yellow flags go up and I get out of the water. The storms still come, I am still often tossed and I still get choked up a bit. I am not afraid of drowning.
Not today, I will never say never, I have faced too many unexpected, uncontrollable storms, to say never.
Today I am okay the pain is okay, I will feel it, I will remember it, I will grieve it, I will NOT drown in it.
Next Best Thing Next 
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